(Mostly) Rejected by McSweeney's

{List}Little-Known Super Mario Enemies.

2008-03-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

Koopa Trumpa

Roomba

Browser

Chain Letter Chomp

Piranha Pot Plant

Ring around the collar

The Joker

Osama bin Laden

Poor hygiene

Gargamel

Himself

submitted March 4, 2008
rejected

{List}Rejected "Ice Ice Baby" Lyrics.

2008-02-04T17:33:00.000-08:00

If there was a problem, yo I'll take it
Check out the beat while my DJ re-breaks it

If there was a problem, yo I'll mute it
Check out the claim while my DJ refutes it

If there was a problem, yo I'll quell it
Check out the myth while my DJ retells it

If there was a problem, yo I'll rock it
Check out the box while my DJ restocks it

If there was a problem, yo I'll file it
Check out the phone while my DJ redials it

If there was a problem, yo I'll crack it
Check out the light while my DJ refracts it

If there was a problem, yo I'll work it
Check out the store while my DJ re-clerks it

If there was a problem, yo I'll log it
Check out the drain while my DJ reclogs it

If there was a problem, yo I'll sweat it
Check out my act while my DJ regrets it

submitted January 28, 2008
rejected:
"I'm afraid I'm going to pass on this one. By this point Vanilla Ice is a parody of a parody of a parody wrapped up in a parody. Thanks for the look. Hope you'll try us again some time."

{List}Extended Verses for 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas'.

2008-01-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

We wish you a Merry Christmas,
And a happy New Year!

Now bring us some figgy pudding,
And a cup of good cheer.

We won't go until we get some,
So bring some out here.

We'll sleep here until you make some,
And we'll drink all your beer.

We'll take everybody hostage,
Our demands are sincere.

We'll kill people if we need to,
And you'll all live in fear.

The cops have us all surrounded,
And they're in heavy gear.

They've sent a negotiatior,
But she sounds insincere.

We'll ask for a helicopter,
And a flight path that's clear.

Their snipers are in position
In the front and the rear.

They just shot us through the window,
Right above our left ear.

I drop dead without that pudding,
And that cup of good cheer.

submitted December 20, 2007
rejected

{List}Inspirational Sports Movies in a Dessert-Based World

2007-10-23T20:42:00.001-07:00

Cool Whip Runnings

We Are Marshmallow

Rocky (Road)

The Cookie

Cherry Tarts of Fire

Field of Dreamsicles

Remember the Pie Tins

Scoop Dreams

Prefondantaine

The Karate Cake

Brian's Sorbet

Bend It Like Bonbon

Fruity Night Lights

Mr. 3000 Calories

Seabiscotti

HoHoosiers

A Lemon Curd of Their Own

Coach Carter

submitted October 15, 2007
rejected

{List}Proposed First Names for George Foreman's Next Seven Children

2007-05-06T16:39:00.000-07:00

George
George
George
George
George
George
George

submitted March 27, 2007
rejected

{List}Track Listings for the "Gilmore Girls" Soundtrack

2007-03-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

1. Where You Lead (opening theme) 3:20

2. La La La La, La La La La 2:15

3. La La-la La La-la La La-la 1:20

4. La La, La La La-la, La La 2:02

5. La La La La La La 3:19

6. La-la La-la, La-la La 3:06

7. La La La La-la 1:59

8. La-la-la-la, La La, La La 2:32

9. La La La La, La La La La (reprise) 1:13

10. Coming Up Next, on the New CW :30

submitted March 10, 2007
rejected

{New Food Review}Orbit Mint Mojito Gum

2007-03-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that food makers have gone too far when trying to combine flavors in unique ways. Sure, we had, "Your chocolate ran into my peanut butter," back in the 70's; we attempted to swallow Cragmont Chocolate Mint soda in the 80's; and the 90's gave us Tropicana Twisters with strange new fruit blends that "could lead to dancing." In the new millenium, however, things started to get out of control. Chocolate-coated Altoids. Blazin' Buffalo Doritos. Aruba Jam Sprite. Orbit Mint Mojito Gum.

When I saw Orbit Mint Mojito in the local Snak Atak store today, I realized that I didn't even know what a mojito is. The little illustration on the package showed a couple of mint leaves playfully concealing what looked like half of a lime. After recently rejecting (eschewing?) other recent fruit-mint combinations of chewing gum, I decided that this was the day to try it. At first smelling like Fruit Stripe, the first stick tasted far different than that gum of my childhood memories. This gum tasted like a mop bucket full of floor cleaner that's just been used at Santa's candy cane factory. The last time I'd smelled anything like this was at a hotel that I had booked through, appropriately enough, Orbitz. The cleaning crews had been making their way down the hall, and my wife and I had overheard their conversation as we passed by. I could've sworn we heard the word "mojito" in there, spoken with a sneer.

submitted March 8, 2007
rejected

{List}Increasingly Ridiculous Names for Hair Salons

2007-02-22T16:43:00.000-08:00

A HEAD OF ITS TIME

THE HAIRPORT

A CUT ABOVE

HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

SHEAR DELIGHTS

LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS

RUMORZ OF DEZIGN

CURL UP AND DYE

SCISSORS PALACE

SPLITT ENDZZ

EX-SALON-CE

ORANGE COUNTY CHOPPERS

MULLET OVER

FOLLI-COOL

CH-CH-CH-CHIA!

ONE INDIVIDUAL HAIR AT A TIME

SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND BEAUTY SALON

BILL'S LANDSCAPING SERVICE

PRISONER WORK RELEASE PROGRAM BARBER SHOP

WE'LL CUT YOUR HAIR FOR A DOLLAR, BUT YOU WON'T LIKE IT

JESUS ON THE MANE LINE

YOUR CRAZY UNCLE WHO EATS HAIR

CHUCK E. CHEESE

submitted February 15, 2007
rejected

{List}What the "It" Refers to in Gatorade's "Is It in You?" Campaign

2006-08-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

Water

Sucrose syrup

Glucose-fructose syrup

Citric acid

Natural and artificial flavors

Salt

Sodium citrate

Monopotassium phosphate

Ester gum

Sucrose acetate isobutyrate

Yellow 5

submitted June, 2006
published August 4, 2006

{List}What James Brown Might Have Put it On If He Hadn't Put it On the One

2006-03-08T16:50:00.000-08:00

The four

The nine

His tab

The eight

The two

The Ritz

The seven

A train to visit its aunt in Oklahoma

The six

submitted February 11, 2006
rejected